Navigating the Conflicting Feelings of Ambivalence in Recovery
Ambivalence in recovery is common and normal. Deciding to recover is one of the hardest decisions people will ever make. It takes a lot to get a person to the point where they want to recover. I had to feel my life was at risk if I stayed in my disorder. I felt like I didn’t have a choice but to recover. I certainly did not arrive at that decision overnight.
Early in my journey, I debated whether I was willing to give up the eating disorder. I remember my first time in treatment, we discussed the stages of change. We stood in a line indicating what stage we fell in. I easily was in the pre-contemplation or contemplation stage, far from the action side of the room. I was in denial of how sick I was and hesitant to engage in treatment to get better. Treatment felt like a threat to my way of living.
Then for years, I wanted recovery but thought it was out of reach. I made gestures towards recovery – attended therapy sessions, went to higher level of care, attended support groups – but I thought my eating disorder would eventually kill me so I wasn’t trying very hard to get better. I wasn’t doing the work that would move me forward, like eating my meal plan. I remember thinking, “it’s just easier not to eat.” Challenging the eating disorder is very hard and sometimes it feels easier and safer to stay in the illness.
When my mood improved, I eventually decided to fully commit to recovery and every part of me wanted it so badly, but that was after decades of questioning if it was even possible. I still had moments of having to decide whether I would use a behavior or eat. In those moments, I had to remind myself of my reasons for recovery, what would happen to my life if I didn’t eat, and most times I did the next right thing.
This evolution took time.
Many of my clients question if recovery is possible for them. They doubt recovery is possible or alternatively, they believe in recovery, but just not for themselves. Everyone can recover, but they are the exceptions. I felt this way. I felt I was too sick to recover. Then little by little I made progress. I proved myself wrong.
Clients also debate whether they even want recovery. They feel pulled in opposite directions. A part of them wants to get better as they see me as a coach, but there is another part of them that likes their eating disorder, feels comforted by it, and is scared to give it up.
The eating disorder serves a purpose. It is a coping tool. A maladaptive one, but it still helps you cope. There is a reason you have an eating disorder. It is doing something positive for you, otherwise you wouldn’t maintain it. Very few illnesses do people question if they want to get better. People with cancer don’t say, “I don’t know if I want to get better. I like how I feel when I am sick. It makes me feel better about myself.” This desire to stay in your eating disorder despite known consequences can be confusing to loved ones.
For me, my eating disorder provided me with a sense of safety and comfort. Whether it was restricting or losing weight, it reduced my anxiety and made me feel safer in a chaotic world. Every time I lost weight, I felt safer in my body. For someone who had their sense of safety shaken as a child, this coping tool provided a lot of comfort.
I remember early on in my disorder, I was happy being sick (I didn’t even truly realize I was sick). I got defensive any time someone questioned a behavior or my way of living. Going to treatment for the first time, I was highly resistant to change. I was comfortable in my eating disorder and extremely hesitant to let go of it.
That’s why the weight restoration process is so arduous and terrifying. Those with eating disorders often like being a low weight and to recover, they must experience their worst fears of gaining weight. All their values and priorities are questioned and shifted. They don’t know what life will be like on the other side and question if it is even worth it. To recover, you must sit with the uncomfortable feelings that come up with eating more and gaining weight. You have to tolerate uncertainty and trust in the process that things will eventually get better.
If you are experiencing ambivalence towards recovery, here are some things you can do about it.
Journal about your ambivalence. Write what pulls you towards the eating disorder and why you want recovery. Make a pros/cons list about recovery and another pros/cons list about staying in your eating disorder. Weigh out your options and make an informed decision after seeing the evidence for each move.
What are you recovering to? Ask yourself what you want recovery to look like. What would life look like if you stayed in your eating disorder? Journal about your best day in recovery and write another piece about your worst day in your eating disorder. What life do you want for yourself and then consider what are you willing to do to get there?
Do values work. Eating disorders often move us away from what we truly value, whether that is relationships, career, family, activities, or spirituality. Explore what you value the most and how your eating disorder keeps you from living those values. What would you gain by embracing recovery?
Seek support. A trusted friend, therapist, coach, or support group could help you process your feelings and thoughts, help you stay accountable, and help you find motivation to move forward. Recovery is a process, and no one expects you to recover overnight. Community helped me feel less alone when I needed more support.
It is normal to feel ambivalence towards recovery. It’s certainly a risk to give recovery a try. I will say, now on the other side, every little bit of the hard work it took to get here was worth it. I wouldn’t trade what I have in my life today to weigh less. I wonder if my clients believe me when I say that.
Know recovery is possible. For everyone. If you're struggling to believe you can make it to recovery, talk to someone who has recovered. Read recovery stories, which offer hope and inspiration. A coach is a good relationship to have to show life really can get better. Feel free to reach out to me. I am more than happy to discuss my recovery journey and how I can help you reach your own recovery goals.